For My Mother: 1-28-1926 to 3-9-2010

My mother had a stroke and fell flat on her face on February 26th, ironically also my daughter's 28th birthday and the day on which her long-term boyfriend asked her to marry him. At first everyone here was taking a wait-and-see position, but I had planned a visit to Sacramento for this week anyway, so I drove up on Monday, the 1st. Mom was still in intensive care and looked horrid, all black & blue & purple from the fall, in which she had broken off several of her upper teeth. She still had all her own teeth at 84. As the days went by my kids, sister, younger brothers, niece and I visited with her, as did some of her friends, but we could never tell how much she was comprehending because she wasn't speaking. At times she seemed wide awake and responsive; at others she just seemed to stare into space. On Friday the 5th I drove Caitlin home to her new house and spent the night, but I drove right back to Sacramento in the morning. On Monday the 8th, I arrived at the hospital to find they had moved Mother out of the ICU onto a regular floor. She looked miserable and I didn't see any recognition in her eyes. They asked me to sign paperwork so she could be transferred to a different hospital and put under the care of her own doctor, whom my sister doesn't like and hadn't notified about Mother's condition at all. My niece and I had decided to contact him after my sister went back to San Francisco. Once Mother was settled in the other hospital, her doctor visited her and called my sister to say Mother didn't have long to live because her lungs were full of fluid. In the meantime, after signing the transfer order, I had driven to S.F. to visit my middle son, thinking I was on the way home. During the night he got a phone call from my sister that Mother was gone. He didn't wake me, but told me when we got up in the morning. I spent the day with him as planned and then drove back to Sacramento. My older brother flew in from Boston and we've spent the past few days packing up all of Mother's stuff so we can put her house on the market. On Sunday I'll drive back to my daughter's and store some things in her garage. Then on Monday I'll either visit S.F. again or head home directly. We couldn't book the church for a memorial service until April 10th, so I'll drive back up here then with Steven and his girlfriend, who has lived with us since August.

It's going to be so strange not having this condo in the family any longer. Mother has lived here since 1984 and all 4 of my kids have lived here at different times over the years... Steven when I lost custody of him for a short time in 1995; Jacob one summer when he was in high school; Caitlin during her first two years of college; and Josh after we moved to Los Angeles. Josh was here the longest, about 4 years, before he got his own place. He still lives in Sacramento and I saw him a couple of times at the hospital before Mom died. I've seen more of my brothers this past week than I have in the past many years, including the youngest, whom I've had no contact with since moving to L.A. in 2001.

I should be home by Tuesday the 16th at the latest. By then I'll need to deposit my check and return my paperwork. I will be going into my 2nd extension by the end of this month. A high school girlfriend has offered to take me in back in Michigan and won't charge me room or board, as my being there will free up her husband to return to work after stopping to raise his two sons. I'll stay with the 16-year-old while they take to the road as long-haul truckers. I can't leave L.A. until Steven and Beverly find a place to go. My fall-back plan was always to come live with my mother and you know how unexcited I was about that prospect, but that is because I hate Sacramento in general. My mother and I made up years ago, although some resentments have a way of never quite healing. When I visited last October for my 40th high school reunion we got along very well. She was just old and slightly demented, but she managed to live alone, in her own home, right up until the end. We never had to worry about putting her into assisted living or a nursing home. I like to believe she was OK with the way things ended. She used to say that if her doctor's face was the last one she ever saw on earth, that would be fine with her.